There are Critters that walk the Earth. Not animals, though sometimes they look like animals. Not humans– no human has ever been a Critter, but sometimes the Critters can walk into a human, if it suits them. These Critters, they’re the ones who run things down there, where Things Happen.
The Critters are made of the same stuff as everything else down there, the stuff that’s gonna disappear when God knows everything there is to know. The Critters don’t hate God, but they do want to keep God from knowing everything about God so they don’t vanish, so they usually work against God. Not always, though.
Still, they run things, and they have seven Kings who rule over them. If you know about them, it’ll help protect you against them, so I’ll tell you a little bit about the seven Kings. They’re all guys, for one thing. (Guys are typically the ones who screw everything up but still somehow end up in power, and that’s because the seven Kings are all guys.)
King Sunday is the biggest King. He’s the one who makes sure every time somebody gets a little power, they tend to abuse it. He’s also the one who couples ambition with power, so that you can’t often have power in the world without dealing with the Critters. King Sunday is the King of politicians and warlords (anybody who benefits from war is a warlord, don’t you know?) and sometimes priests. (But sometimes priests get a bad rap– there are a lot of good priests out there.)
King Monday is the King of sideways thinking, the King whose Critters get you to think that crazy ideas make a lot of good sense. King Monday’s Critters get you to throw away all your extra food, for instance, or to buy so much food that some of it goes bad. He’s the King who says, fine, go ahead, build a huge wall between your country and another country– that’s perfectly reasonable.
King Tuesday is the King of traffic, and other conflicts that make you angry. His Critters put a veil over your eyes and keep you from seeing other humans as humans. This is the King of bigots, wartime propaganda and partisan politics. King Tuesday works really closely with King Sunday– they’re soul mates.
King Wednesday is King of all the ones who claim to be experts, but haven’t done the science. His Critters live on “conspiracy theory” websites, and in pastel colored bookshops, and even in some schools and whatnot. They whisper sillinesses about the world ending, vaccines being bad for you, and the health benefits of expensive sugar water. Sometimes it’s really difficult to tell whether King Wednesday’s Critters are around or not, because alternative theories are often right on the nose, which means this King is exceptionally dangerous.
King Thursday is the King of dark mysteries. His Critters are shadows in the middle of the yard at night, and scritch at your windows. King Thursday lives in a shining disk in the sky, and under the bed, and inside closets. Some people think he’s the worst King of all, which is just how he likes it, but really, he’s the weakest King. He especially hates the Spooky Man and the Spooky Lady, because they can turn the lights on and scare his Critters away.
King Friday is the King who keeps you from feeling good about the way you look. His Critters always whisper lies about how you’re fat, or ugly, and they live inside advertisements for sports drinks, and music videos, and stupid exercise and diet plans. His Critters tell lies about how if your body is a certain way, it’s wrong, even if you’re perfectly healthy.
King Saturday is the youngest King, and some say he’s the King most likely to be redeemed. He’s the King of random, unexpected changes. His Critters control inanimate objects, and put your keys right in the path so you can’t find them until you step on them and hurt your foot. He’s the King who rains frogs from the sky and makes sure there’s a drawbridge up in front of you when you’re trying to get someplace quickly.
You can probably tell that all of these Kings work together as a team, and some of their duties overlap. You’ll likely never see one of the Kings in person; if you did, you’d die of fright! Even getting a glance at one of the Kings is enough to make you a little crazy. Usually, they fly around in the air, or hang out way underground. That’s why they have their Critters, so they don’t have to move around. They’re actually pretty lazy.
There’s no way to escape the Kings, because they rule down here, but it should be pretty obvious how you can help God work against them. To help fight King Sunday, don’t try to be powerful. To help fight King Monday, really think about what you’re doing before you do it. To help fight King Tuesday, remember that God experiences things through all humans, and all humans are you. To help fight King Wednesday, don’t buy into sensationalist bullshit. To help fight King Thursday, don’t worry so much about the dark. To help fight King Friday, don’t worry so much about how you look. To help fight King Saturday, well, there’s not much you can do about him, other than learning to take in everything that happens without getting too upset about it.
As for their Critters, they take on many shapes and forms (but they are never humans, don’t forget). They can look small and inconsequential, they can be invisible and airy, they can show up in the fire, or in the light, or on your TV set. The good thing is, they’re easy to get rid of, if you know how. All you have to do is face them down with perfect courage, and say, “Damnit, you Critters, get the hell out of here– I don’t want you around! Stop bothering me and take off!”
If that doesn’t work, you can ask your Spooky Man and Spooky Lady for help.
Some people think it’s a good idea to try to work with the Kings and their Critters, to ask them for stuff, or for help with one thing or another. Now, I don’t advise it. I can’t say as how it’s never worked for anybody, but whatever you get from the Kings, even if it seems like enlightenment, will always be temporary.
Remember, you can’t escape them down here, so you’ve got to learn to live near them, but you can do your best to be invisible to them, and that’s what’ll keep you happiest.
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